


What Silence Holds

by Rawrlove19



Category: Janoskians
Genre: Brothers, Crying Luke, Depression, Drugs, Gen, Hospital, Oneshot, Pills, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, depressed, maybe a continuation, responsible beau, suicidal, triggering, twin fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:50:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9489836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrlove19/pseuds/Rawrlove19
Summary: Luke and Jai have yet again another fight. Jai makes a decision to end his life. Will Luke save him?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thinking about continuing this. Let me know if you want a sequel/ part 2!
> 
> As always I don't own the characters.

Just a warning this chapter might be a little triggering. There is a suicide attempt so just letting you know.

"I don't see why you're getting so angry all of the time, Jai. I'm the one with anger issues not you! Grow up already we're all tired of your attitude!" Luke screamed at Jai. Jai had been in a bad mood all week, and to make matters worse, he hadn't said one word extra the entire video. Luke was sick of his twin's attitude and wanted it to stop. What he did not want is exactly what he got.

"Ok." Jai mumbled out, not even fazed by Luke's sharp temper.

"That's really all you have to say?!" Luke was beyond angry.

"I don't know what you want from me, Luke. I'm trying but that probably won't be good enough for you either."

"Jai," Luke clenches his jaw, "Why don't you come talk to me when my brother comes back."

Jai looked down and then left the room. He wasn't happy. It was hurting the people he cared about as well as himself, and he was sick of it. He let out a sigh and flopped down on his bed. He didn't know what to do anymore. He couldn't eat. He couldn't sleep. Luke hated him....

Jai decided he needed to leave those thoughts before they completely consumed him. He got his phone out and opened his Twitter app. Making a post would help him calm down.

@JaiBrooks1: Hate how people get all up in your face-

He started to type, but then deleted it. He didn't want his fight with Luke to escalate. He just wanted to sleep.

@JaiBrooks1: Love you! 

He decided to type instead. He was sick of hurting the people he cared about. Jai knew what needed to be done and he was going to do it. 

Jai got up and walked over to his bedside table. He opened the top drawer and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills that he had bought off some drunk guy at a bar for this exact purpose.

He popped one into his mouth and swallowed. The next 3 became easier. He swallowed the 5th one and was about to swallow the 6th one, when his door opened to reveal an apologetic Luke.

"Hey Jai, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier. I was way out of line and- what are you doing?"

"I was chilling on my bed before you showed up." Jai manages to get out hoping that Luke would hurry up and leave. Luke, on the other hand, was eyeing the sleeping pills. Jai didn't take sleeping pills, yet here he was with an open bottle of them in his hand.

"How many have you taken, Jai?" Luke demands before reaching over to try and knock them out of his brother's hand. Jai was faster than him, and jerked back. He quickly brought the bottle up to his lips and dumped several in his mouth to try and swallow before Luke could stop him.

"No!" Luke screamed, knocking the rest out of his hands. "BEAU CALL 911!!!" He then tried shoving his fingers down Jai's throat to try to get him to throw up some of the pills.

"What's going on?" Beau questioned, when he ran into the room after Luke called him.

"Jai just swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills!" Luke scrambles out, slapping Jai to try to make sure he stays awake. Beau's eyes go wide, but he immediately took action and called an ambulance.

Paramedics arrived and loaded Jai onto a stretcher, but The remaining two brothers can only watch in stunned silence.

"We better get to the hospital, too." Beau mumbles.

Beau drives them to the hospital only to find out Jai is in the process of getting his stomach pumped.

"You mind filling me in?" Beau finally breaks the silence.

"I don't know." Luke admits. "We were fighting and I lost control and yelled at him. After I calmed down I went to apologize and found him with a bottle of sleeping pills....what are we going to do Beau?"

"Apologize. We let him down when he needed us, so now we support him." Beau answered wisely.

Soon, a doctor came out and asked, "Family of Jaidon Brooks?"

Luke and Beau stood and approached the doctor for news on their little brother. 

"I receive cases like this all of the time. When he wakes up, Jaidon will probably be fragile both mentally and physically. Be his support system and he should be ok."

Once they finally entered Jai's room, both brothers were surprised to see Jai sitting up glaring at his hands.

Luke immediately ran to his twin and engulfed him in a tight hug.

"Jai!" Luke cried, so happy to see his younger twin again.

"I wanted to die. You should have let me die, Luke." Jai mumbled brokenly.

"Jai, no-" Beau starts, but Jai just cut him off.

"No, save it Beau." He turned to Luke, "I swallowed those pills for a reason, Luke. I wanted to die, and you should have let me. It may be selfish, but I-I just can't do this anymore. I can't be the person you want me to be, so why not end it all? There's really no reason for me to be alive."

"You're alive because I need you here, Jai." Luke begins, "I need you, and I honestly don't think I can live without you. If you were to die, then I would die tomorrow. It's Luke and Jai. Not just Luke or just Jai."

Jai tried to stop the small smile that forced itself onto his face. Luke smiled back and then continued.

"And I don't want you to be anyone other than Jai. You may not realize it, but you're an amazing person. I'm proud to be your twin, and I wouldn't have you any other way."

"That was just adorable!" Beau gushed,  effectively ruining the moment. "You're going to therapy, though, Jai."

"What? Why? You can't make me, I'm an adult!" Jai shouted.

"True, but me and your doctor both think it's a good idea. I technically can't force you to do anything you don't want to do, but I can stop you from participating in any videos until you start going. I'm sure the boys will back me up, too."

Jai groaned in frustration.

"Fine."

 

Should I do a continuation of this that involves the therapy session?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished the second part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I think this is the longest one shot I've ever written. (Maybe....I write a lot on fanfiction.net too under a different username) honestly, even if no one else liked it, I'm proud. I'm also thinking of eventually making this into a multi-chapter book. I didn't expect this to turn out the way it did. Be sure to subscribe/ follow me so you don't miss that.

"Wake up, Jai. You have therapy today." Beau sing-songed to his sleeping brother. Jai groaned. It had been a week since he got out of the hospital. He felt like he was perfectly okay. Maybe a little sad, but being a little sad didn't require therapy. He was fine. 

The Australian boy rolled out of bed and walked downstairs for breakfast. He stopped short, however, when he saw his twin brother eating a bowl of cereal. Things had been tense between them for the past week. It's not exactly easy for someone to walk in on someone mid-suicide attempt, but Luke had walked in on his own twin brother. Jai actually was beginning to think that Luke was avoiding him because of what happened.

Jai smiled and tried to make eye contact, but Luke looked away. It was also the moment that Beau decided to walk into the room.

"Hurry up and eat breakfast Jai, we have to leave pretty soon." Beau ordered him. Jai stood there unmovingly. Luke pretty much hated him right now, and he was expected to go to therapy on top of that. He had suddenly lost his appetite.

"You know what? I'm not really hungry. I'm just going to get ready." He had started to walk off, but Luke stopped him.

"Just eat something. Please. After what happened a week ago, you owe us that much." Luke begged. Jai looked down guiltily. Luke just had to throw that in his face. It wasn't like he had an eating disorder or anything, so he didn't see a problem in not eating breakfast one day. He chose to make his brothers happy instead of pointing out the obvious.

-

Beau pulled up to a secluded building on the opposite end of town. Jai had to chuckle at the irony of it. Far away so no one knows how crazy you truly are, he thought to himself. Beau gave him a strange look, but chose to let the subject drop.

"Jai, I know you hate having to do this, but it's for your own good. We came really close to losing you last week. We can't let that happen again. If not for your own sake then for Luke's. Seeing you like that absolutely destroyed him."

"Ok." Jai mumbled although on the inside he was screaming. He did not need therapy. If Luke was so affected by it, then why wasn't he the one going to therapy?

Jai slowly opened the car door and approached the building. He did not want to do this at all. He opened the door and walked up to the receptionist.

"Umm. Jai Brooks?" He mumbled not sure how to sign in. The receptionist nodded at him and told him to take a seat.

10 minutes later a door opened and he was called back. He folded a tall man to a room where his torture would begin. Inside he was met with a woman with brown hair, green eyes, and looked to be about 40.

"Jye, come on it!" She greeted pleasantly. "You can call me Susan."

"It's actually pronounced Jai." Jai corrected her. She was quick to apologize.

"I'm sorry. Take a seat and we'll begin."

Jai complied.

"So why don't we start off with talking about why you're here today." Susan suggested.

"Because my idiot brothers made me." Jai quips.

"Sarcastic I see. Well, I see here that you were recently in the hospital for an overdose. Tell me about that."

"There's nothing really to tell. I tried to swallow a bottle of pills and my twin interrupted me."

"What's your twin's name? I like to refer to names in this room to make it more real to my patients."

"His name is Luke."

"How is your relationship with Luke since he stopped you?"

"It's been not so good. He can't look at me anymore....you know what? This is stupid! I don't need therapy. Can I just leave now?"

"Listen Jai. You may feel like you're alone. You may feel like no one can help you. You may feel like it would be for the best if you just died. Truth is none of that is true. You're extremely depressed. Even without the suicide attempt, I can tell with one look on your face. You are right about one thing though. No one can help you. That is no one can help you unless you want them to and accept it. So, if you're ready for help I'm all ears. Just let me know when we can start."

"Ok..." Jai was shocked by Susan's bold words and decided to open up to her about everything. All of the things he's been hiding from his brothers. The hate from his fans. And even his own insecurities.

"That was a great session, Jai. I would like to place you on an antidepressant, though. I feel like you really need it. Also, I have homework for you."

"Homework?" Jai asked.

"Yes, I want you to speak with Luke and get everything out in the open. It's obvious you have a close bond, so don't let this ruin that."

-

When Jai walked out of that room he was a changed man. He wasn't magically better, but he was ready to start the long road to recovery. According to Susan, that started with Luke. He would never get better without a support system, and Luke was the person closest to him. He couldn't let his depression destroy their bond.

When he arrived home, he quickly found Luke in his room editing videos.

"Hey." He greeted, startling the poor camera nerd.

"Oh hey...how was therapy?" Luke asked hesitantly.

"I got diagnosed with severe depression." 

"What?!" Luke interrupted. "Are you going to be okay? I-"

"Luke, calm down." Jai ordered. Secretly, he thought it was funny that Luke was getting so freaked out. "Susan, my therapist, is putting me on mess for it. She also told me it would be a good idea for us to, you know, talk it out...about the s-suicide attempt."

"Look, Jai, I'm cool with it if you don't want to talk about it."

"No you're not!" Jai snapped. "You've been distant for a week now. I'm sorry you had to walk in on that. I never meant for you to see that. I wished you would have never had to experience that."

"Are you apologizing for doing it or the fact I stopped you?" Luke's question brought a heavy silence to the room. Jai couldn't speak. He knew his answer, but he also knew it would absolutely destroy Luke. But, Luke knew him. His silence was all the answer Luke needed. "Oh my god! You-you're upset I stopped you."

Jai was still at a loss of words, and Luke's gasp only made him feel worse. "Yes." He mumbled out, but it was loud enough for Luke to hear him.

"What the- Jai! Do we need to place you back on suicide watch? I can't lose you. I just can't. I know it may seem like I don't care sometimes, but-" Luke cut himself off with a loud cry. Jai watched as his older twin broke down in harsh heat-shattering sobs. He was always the one who cried, Luke was more prone to angry-outbursts when he was upset. Jai rushed to his twin and hugged him, letting his twin cry into his chest.

"Shh. It's ok, Luke. I'm not going anywhere. I still feel suicidal, but I want go get better. I can't put you through that again. I refuse to let it reach that point ever again. I love you too much to hurt you like that ever again." Jai comforted his twin.

"Why?" Luke choked out. "Why do you want to die and leave me?"

Jai froze, then hugged Luke even harder if that was possible.

"There's a lot I never told you, Luke. A lot I don't even think I can talk about without completely breaking." Jai chuckled darkly. Luke's eyes were wide, what was his brother going through.

"So that's it? You're never going to tell me?" Luke questioned.

"No." Jai sighed. "I'll tell you eventually. Just not when I'm this vulnerable. I don't want to do anything else that will make you cry."

"Oh." Luke let out with fresh tears forming in his eyes. He didn't realize things had been so bad for Jai.

"There's something else you should know, though." Jai let out hesitantly. "You know how I never really wear short shorts or strip like the rest of you do?"

"Yea, why?" Luke was confused, how was that relevant? Jai smiled at his confusion, but it didn't meet his eyes. He slowly released his brother and took his pants off. Then, Luke realized what he had been missing. Scars. There were red, white, and pink scars all over Jai's thighs that were in various stages of healing. How had he never noticed?

"This...I swear I wanted to tell you, but I never knew how. Then, we did that TwinTalkTime video on bullying and self-harm and I knew based on your reaction to the topic that I couldn't possibly tell you something this big. I knew I would just hurt you in the end." Jai rambled. He was growing more and more uncomfortable the longer Luke stared at his scars. Luke slowly reached his hand out and touched one with the tip of his finger.

"Jai," he breathed out, "NEVER think you can't tell me something. You can always tell me anything, no matter how much you think it'll hurt me. Honestly, it hurts more knowing you kept this from me for years then actually knowing about it. I love you, and I'll always be here for you."

"Love you, too. And I'm sorry for everything."

"Don't be. By the way, this won't be happening anymore," Luke says with authority in his tone and gestures to Jai's thighs, "because now that I know about this...you won't be alone to deal with it on your own anymore. I'll make sure of that."

Jai gulped. They would be ok. It would probably be a rocky road to recovery, but as long as he had Luke then he would make it.


	3. The Crash

Jai had been doing well, he really had. So it's natural that when he finally crashed, it was a surprise to everyone.

Jai had eaten dinner the night before, laughing along with the rest of the boys. He, however, did decide to go to bed sooner than anyone else in the house. Luke had checked up on him in the middle of the night, but he was perfectly okay. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Until there was...

Jai didn't wake up until 1:00 the next afternoon despite going to bed early, and when he did come down the stairs to start his day he was slouching more than usual. He walked into the kitchen where everyone else was eating lunch and just took a seat. He didn't grab any food for himself or anything. He just sat down next to Luke. Luke thought it was a little odd, but no one else seemed to notice. Then, Jai started to shake his leg and nervously play with his necklace. This was what caught Beau's attention.

"You okay there, Jai?" Beau asked gently, careful not to upset Jai. Jai sighed. No one has treated him the same way since he tried to end his life. They treated him like he was gong to break at any moment. They also acted like he was just going to try again at any moment. All of his depression meds were locked up tightly somewhere in Luke's room, and Luke had also started checking his room regularly for sharp objects. 

All in all, he was suffocating.

"Peachy." Jai replied sarcastically. He knew that no one would actually believe him anyway, so why should he have to give an actual answer?

"Do You want anything to eat?" Beau tried again. Food? He wasn't hungry. He ate enough, so skipping one meal wasn't a big concern to him. His brother's obviously thought otherwise.

"I'm not hungry. Can't I just sit here next to Luke?" Jai pleaded. He was aware of how clingy he was getting to Luke lately, but he couldn't care enough to stop it. Sure, he was using his twin brother as an emotional crutch, but that was how he chose to cope.

"You need to eat something, Jai." Luke piped up. This was seriously starting to annoy Jai.

"I don't have an eating disorder!" Jai exclaimed, "I feel sick and the thought of food makes it worse. Just because I'm severely depressed doesn't mean I starve myself!"

"It's one of the side effects, though." Luke whispered since Beau obviously didn't know what to say.

"Possible side effects!" Jai corrected angrily. "God! You guys are so annoying."

"Jai! We didn't mean to offend you!" Beau hurriedly apologized. That was what finally caused him to crack.

"Maybe I want you to offend me for once!" He shouted.

"What? What do you mean?" Luke questioned hesitantly. 

"You treat me as though I'm fragile and I'm going to break at any second. Why can't you just treat me like before? I'm still Jai. Don't shut me out like that." Jai whispered the last part before running back up to his room. 

Jai threw himself on his bed and let his tears flow freely. Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to live?

At that last thought he sat up. Susan told him that he shouldn't think about thoughts like that, but it was just too tempting. Usually when he thought of stuff like that, he would go find Luke. Considering he had just yelled at him, Jai didn't think his twin brother would be thrilled at the idea of talking to him at the moment. More tears fell as he stood up and started snapping his fingers in an attempt to not think, but it only frustrated him. He ended up spending the rest of the day trying to calm himself down but nothing was working.

His anger got the best of him and he picked up his bedside lamp and threw it at the wall across from him. The lamp made a loud noise as it broke into pieces in front of him. Why? Why did-?

"Jai, are you okay!?" Luke demanded to know as he burst into his room. "I heard a crash and I just thought..." Luke didn't finish his sentence in fear of Jai blowing up at him again.

"M'fine." Jai said quickly before brushing the tears off of his face and looking over to his mangled lamp. "I just...I don't know."

"It's fine if you're not, Jai." Luke spoke up, "You can always tell me anything, just remember that."

"I just..." Jai debated on whether to tell Luke or not. "I don't know if I should tell you this particular thing."

"Just tell me. Whatever it is I can take it." Luke promised already knowing he would've like whatever left Jai's mouth.

"I was having bad thoughts again...about whether or not everyone would be better off without me. If you guys would be happier without me." Jai held his breath waiting for Luke to react.

"Jai..." Luke sighed, "You can always tell me things like this. I need you in my life, and if you think otherwise then you know nothing! I love you more than life itself, and I just wish you could love yourself too."

"Thanks Lukey." Jai whispered.

"No problem. Do you need me to stay with you tonight?" Luke asked before glancing away nervously. Jai realized that Luke wanted him to say yes. It always freaked Luke out when he said things like that, but Luke was the one who basically witnessed his suicide attempt. If it was what helped Luke sleep at night, then Jai was willing to have Luke stay with him.

"Of course. Come on." Jai smiled slightly directing Luke to his bed so they could cuddle. He hated the fact that his problems hurt Luke that much, but he didn't know what else to do.


End file.
